Uber-Hip Sneaker with Secret Compartment

Behold the Archport Classic. *Cough*. Stylish, isn't it? I see it as the kind of shoe that Max from Hart To Hart would be wearing if he was still alive and they had commissioned Hart To Hart: The Geritol Years and he was schlepping around an old people's home waiting for Jon and Jen ("She's gawjus") to bring him soft fruits and news of Freeway.

The Archport Classic is not just any old shoe, however. As well as being excellent for "working out at the gym or just hanging out" it's got a secret hidden compartment, the Archport™ cartridge, for you to stash a door key and three credit cards (or similar-sized items, should you be uncreditworthy) or cash. Available in white or Widow Black (Omigod, call Jen and Jon, they murdered someone at the old folks' home!) it'll cost you $79.99 and get you all the envious looks your cataracts can handle at Sunset View.